Breaking up is hard to do....

So today marks one week from when I broke up with Alex, right after I made us a yummy dinner of tortellini alfredo on Valentines Day.  I didn't realize it was a break up conversation at the time.  I knew we were having some problems, but all of a sudden came the inevitable end of us as a couple.

I never meant to fall for him.  I moved to Oregon on my own personal journey of discovery and somehow our relationship got thrown into the mix.  It was fun and easy and nice to have someone who already knew all these fun PNW adventure spots.  Somewhere along the lines I started working more and became less willing to work at a relationship.  In fact, I told him we should slow down and just go out on dates and only do the things.  I think mostly because I was starting to get unhappy in our relationship.  Especially when things just seemed mundane.  I no longer wanted to spend time at his place on Sauvie Island.  Mostly because he always had to run around and check on this and that, leaving me alone and bored there.  Oddly enough, he said that he would come to my place in the city and feel like he didn't know what to do with himself.  Although I never left him alone in my apartment.  I spoke to him a few times about not inviting me over just to leave me alone.

Back to the present moment:  I think about calling him or texting him everyday, sometimes many times a day, but I don't.  I don't want to confuse him or myself in my decision to call it quits.  Now I can go out and do whatever I want without thinking or even telling anybody else.  But to me, that seems like a lonely existence.  I really do like having someone to love and share the world with, but I need a partner.

The more days go by, the more I place anger in the fact that I got in a relationship before establishing myself in Portland.  Now I have to figure out all the things, while holding him in my heart.  Sometimes I'm mad at him throughout the day.  Not rationally speaking because I can't expect him to be someone who he isn't.  He is a wonderful man, whose kind and smart, but scattered to a fault.  I try to live my life to the fullest and take care of what I need to while doing so.  Right now I need to take care of me, but it seems harder now without his presence.

Shouldn't it be easier??!!

So another day goes by, and maybe each gets easier, but I just want to get over it already.  I can make my own adventures.

My head is a tilt-a-whirl that flip flops through good and bad memories.  I'm trying to relish both, after all I always expected to be a little lonely all the way over here on the West Coast, but I never really have until now.