happy....

So as it turns out, Portland is small and I have met a lot of people.  I find myself seeing familiar faces in the new places I go check out.

Spring started on Monday (which also happened to be my day off) and I took a small hike with some red curry and found my first patch of trilliums.

 Also some stinging nettles to cook for breakfast and make tea out of.

I felt myself getting a little congested, (I think partly because I kissed a boy who told me the next day he was miserably sick) so I drank the fire cider I made the first day of February.

Fire Cider = Apple Cider vinegar that I infused with turmeric, ginger, onion, garlic, elderberry flowers, cayenne pepper, black pepper, blood oranges, lemon zest and more, that I left to sit in a cabinet for 6 weeks shaking occasionally.

Any who; this stuff is magic and makes me feel so good in the mornings.  I also boiled my reishi mushrooms that I found and dried to make a tea with the nettles, so I feel like my immune system is strong and I'm taking all the measures to take care of myself.

Yesterday, I went dancing at the Goodfoot, but I still wasn't feeling 100% so it was a slightly early night but great none the less.

Life is good.  Going to all these places that I want to go to is good.  Not worrying about another person is good.  Life is still busy, but I'm getting on track.

I intend to enroll in one credited class about native plants and geology at PCC, and am planning to hit some Hot Springs on Sunday, then a little hike on Monday.

Doing all the things that make me happy :)

I LOVE my friends!!!!!

My friends have helped me so much through my sadness. This past week I have enjoyed my singledom the most by checking out new places and being available for my ladies!!!

I've gone to jazz shows, kicked boys butts at pool and brunched it up like you wouldn't believe.

Here's to new friends 

And old

I'm blessed to be loved by these folks and had their support through my most emotional days ❤️💕❤️

Wrapping my head around this moment

So friends; I have been in one of the darkest places that this Earth has ever brought me to in the last few weeks.  Not to say there hasn't been some rays of sunshine, but none the less I'm not the same Jenna as I was anymore.

That amazing day at the coast I had, laughing in the face of hail that hammered down all around me reared it's ugly head when I lost control of my car on a sheet of ice.  There was not very much snow on the ground, however one skid while going uphill made my car start to weave.  The weaves got bigger and bigger to the point that I was afraid of plummeting right over the edge of the Tillamook Forest.

The only thing I thought to do was something drastic.

I turned my wheel as far as I could to the right and braced my self for what was to come.  My car did a 180 into a snow bank that scratched my driver side from bumper to bumper.  My car then turned another 180 and I was on the road in the lane like it never even happened.

There was only a few cars on the road, so I don't even think anyone saw it!

I pulled over to check out my car on this road with no street lights and it didn't even look that bad!  I walked over to the the skid marks my tires left behind and was just so stunned because it happened so fast, it no longer seemed real.

Cars went by, thinking nothing of my 2006 Honda Civic with its hazards on.  If I went over the side it would have been a week or more before anyone would have even found me.

I said a little prayer to my car asking it to get me the 40 miles home without blowing up or leaking all the gas out, because I know my car was fucked.

It got me home.  I called Michael at work and asked him if he could talk to me.  He called me right back on his cell phone where I anxiously exclaimed, "I'm ok, Tommy is ok, my car is messed up like never before and I thought I was going over a cliff!"

Through my tears I still giggled to him parts of my most amazing day, but I was so panic ridden I just didn't know what to do.  The adrenaline pumping though my body was dizzying to me.

What the hell just happened?  Am I really here?

I texted Alex for the first time in a week saying, "I just skidded out on a sheet of ice and think I totaled my car"

He texted me back, "oh shit, are u ok?"

I'm stupefied at the possibility that he isn't going to call me and see how I am????!!!!

Five minutes go by, and I'm livid.  I spent the last year of life caring for this person and he doesn't want to know what happened??

I text back, "yea.... thanks for texting me back"  Now I'm expecting to be done hearing anything from this creep, but he then replies, "Of course.  Give me a call if you want to talk"

I respond, "Fuck you Alex"

He then calls me and I'm so pissed I can't even talk.  I tell him I never wanna speak to him again.

So on top of this scary feeling of being put in a place where I could have wrapped myself around a tree and died, I now feel like my best friend out here never cared about me at all.

I remember seeing the sunlight fill my window the next day and crying feeling like I didn't belong here anymore.

Do I deserve this life? What the heck kept me here through this moment??

I slept away most of the week.  I didn't leave my bed anytime I wasn't working.  I drove my beat to hell car to work for 3 days through crazy busy days working comic con at the convention center.  I held back tears at any moment of silence.  It was hard to live in my head.

One week and one day after the accident I found a 2014 Suburu that I am currently financing.  Just seeing the plasma green color everyday makes me happy.  I couldn't look at that civic anymore.

Alex continued to text me from time to time asking if I still needed time.  I ignored a few, I told him yes I need time and now I text him cordially but I couldn't be more disappointed in a living being.

I went out a lot this week.  I've seen many spots in the city I haven't been to before and I am adapted to my single self.

I am alone although I really do have an amazing network of friends.  My roommate allowed me long, drawn out hugs all week in the mornings when I was saddest.  My friends who heard back home called me at odd hours to hear me tell them I was ok, as real friends should.

At the end of the day, this was all another step in my journey.  Life continues to guide me on the path I'm meant to walk, I hate that its so difficult to feel so alone while doing so